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"In all my 30 years as a doctor, I've never seen anything like it......" --  My Colonoscopy Doctor

Huh?  Wha?  How'd you people get here?  Did I already start writing?  Did I already ask you that? ("Yes, several times now.")

Well, heh-heh-heh-loooooo........

Yes, I AM still alove--or even alive--alive is what I meant to type, so here I am, still existing (Did I already start typing?) after my colonoscopy procedure this morning.  Naturally, it had to be a snowy day, which caused ANOTHER patient to be LATE, which in turn had me waiting a fuckin' HOUR on a GURNEY.......or was it a Guernsey?  It felt more like a Guernsey, as far as comfort goes.  Everthing is still rather shrouded in a haze of amnesia....

Everyone at St. Mary's were WONDERFUL, KIND and PROFESSIONAL through and through, even if the prep nurse managed to draw blood while setting up my IV.  I mean, drew blood as in, I Feel Something Running Down My Hand..... but (Ha! there's that funny word again!) everything turned out okay with only a small bruise and some swelling to show for the trouble.

So, after my hour wait, I'm wheeled in to the Operating Theater.  Okay, so it's a small room packed with equipment and dimly lit; warm.  Computer monitors are placed strategically to guide the doctors "magic wand."  He introduces himself and makes adjustments on the equipment.  One nurse is taking vitals, another has The Good Stuff in hand.  "Hi, I'm Stephanie," says Nurse Stephanie.

"Hello, Stephanie."

"I'm so cold," she complains to another nurse, "is the heat on?  I'm so cold, I mean, I'm so hot (ha-ha) but I'm freezing...."  To prove her point, she lays her hands on my arms.....they practically sizzle because I'm nearly roasting myself.  Stephanie tells me that she's about to inject me with something to relax me and that I'll start feeling weird.

She pushes the plunger into my IV............waiting for that arctic/molten cascade.........and.............AND NOTHIN'!  Booo! I have no idea what they used on me but I didn't feel a thing.  And certainly, my brain wasn't starting to spin-dance like a deadhead......

Nurse Stephanie asks, "Have you ever done this before?  I need you to roll onto your left side."

"Have I done this before?  Sure.  I've rolled over many times."   The doctor looks up from his work and laughs.  "Haven't heard that one before, have you?"  I know I'm in good hands......

But, suddenly I feel as though I'm levitating off the table.  Everything is getting weird. I can see a monitor with my vital signs, flashing large green numbers, my heart beat skimming a black CRT sea.  I feel a push at my backside.  Again.  Again, but harder.  Harder yet and with pain deep inside me.  "Roll on your stomach...." is the last thing I hear before I wake up in the recovery room, the doctor speaking to Sunny.  He comes over to me and says "In my 30 years, I've NEVER seen a colon like yours.  I almost gave up!  You've got a figure eight and it's crossing back and forth against itself."  He shows me a picture he drew of it for Sunny but I'm in and out.  On the other side of the drawing are eight FULL COLOR PICTURES of MY COLON......oh, man, am I gonna have THE Christmas card this year.......

I recover quickly--let loose several farts of monumental scope and sound and shortly, I'm released--more likely, kicked out.  Hooray!  Too wobbly to walk, I'm wheeled to the car.  Valet service to the curb is a godsend.  (Ah, just remembered something else: Sunny stopped at the grocery on the way home.  I remember Jshtree'ts green Model A mural.)

What do I want to eat?  What are we near, Culvers?  Oh, man, I want a Cardiac Burger and fries, and I want it bad, babe!  We stop there---presumably, I remember eating it when home--and the next thing I know, I'm chugging a coke, nibbling some fries and just carnivoring into the burger....all on top of the "morning pills" that I had waited to take until after the procedure.  When finished, we went outside for a smoke.......

Now, my body was feeling a bit unstable and just a little nauseous but my BRAIN was just dying for a smoke.  So, my brain--fogged in over Heathrow as it was--won out.  About 5 minutes after the smoke, I was hunched over the kitchen sink, going BLEEEUURRRGGGG.......

Fortunately, not much came out, so I got some "nourishment."  (Juli is just cringing right now I'm sure.)  And I ended up stumbling out to, right here, this wonderful porch, where I plopped down on the couch in a position that would be comfortable for probably 90 seconds and passed out for the next TWO HOURS.  When I was finally awakened by The Kid coming home, I COULD BARELY FUCKING MOVE, I was so stiff....(and not the fun kind.)

Had a small bite for dinner and then spent the rest of the night in front of the fire....... asking the same questions over and over.....a complete amnesia case.  (I'm amazed the effect lasted so long.  I'll have to see if I can find out what they nuked me with.)  Of course, I was providing my own "home remedies," this evening, so perhaps the combination is what was turning my memory into bouillabaisse.   I think I thanked Sunny about 40 times before the night was through.  One thing I HAVE to remember, is to send the staff there a Thank You note for their kind care, good humor and great people.....

And In The End........the doctor told me everything looked good (except for having a "very rendundant colon; no polyps."  I think he meant "redundant," but I haven't looked it up yet........his closing words to me, "See you in 10 years."

Music, man, simply music.....

Hope y'all had a good day.....I am going to go crash land for awhile.....



P.S. And, of course,my thanks to C., who once more made me feel like I'm invincible..

Current Location:
That Sweet, Sweet Porch...
Current Mood:
groggy RELIEVED!
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(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
On February 10th, 2010 06:02 pm (UTC), jaxon13 replied:
*laughs!!* Yes, somehow I knew you'd appreciate it and come up with the PERFECT response! *laughing!* I should've asked myself: What would Juli eat, what would Juli eat...? Probably just a bit of some nourishing soup, warming, calming, energizing.....Nope, ol' Jaxon's not smart enough to do that....how'd I get to FIFTY again??? Yoiks! But back on m'feet and ready to take on the world again today!
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(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
On February 11th, 2010 04:18 pm (UTC), jaxon13 replied:
*laughs and laughs!* Hilarious! Sounds like some conversations I've had with my mother...round and round and round....*big smile!*
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